Everyone, and I mean everyone, has things in life they regret. No one is walking around saying “Man, I have never made a single mistake in my life!”, and if they are, well, that’s the first obvious mistake they’re actively making.
It’s simply a fact of life that we are going to get things wrong. And when that happens and we realize what we’ve done, the feelings that weigh down on us are intense and inescapable. And tucked into those myriad feelings are a pair of feelings so close together we think they’re the same thing.
Guilt and Shame.
Christian, they are not the same thing. The fact that these two get so confused for each other are one of the chief ways were are kept bogged down by our sin and mistakes, finding it next to impossible to accept that we’ve been forgiven and move forward. But the reality is these two experiences are vastly different and the things they tell us can hugely inform on how God sees us verses what the enemy wants us to believe.
So let’s look at some differences between guilt and shame.
1// Guilt tells you what you did wrong. Shame tells you that you’re what’s wrong.
This is not just an idea from me. Countless people wiser than me from many different places have said variations of this same thing. But wherever it’s coming from, it bears saying again.
Guilt and shame say very different things to us about who we are as a person
Shame goes right for the jugular of your identity. It would have you believe that the wrongs in your life are not things you have done but are something much worse. They are what you are. The enemy might even twist God’s own words against you, saying that God himself sees you covered in sin, that you can’t possibly get the stench of it off of you so that’s really all that you are. You haven’t done wrong. You are wrong. And because of that you aren’t worthy of love or forgiveness. There’s no way to separate you from it so there’s no way to save you.
Guilt, despite its equal intensity to the feeling of shame, gives us a very different message. Don’t mistake me, it does not let you off easy for a second, but as a feeling it’s a helper and not a condemer and that makes all the difference.
Because we do have wrong in our past. We have things we’ve done that have grievously wounded God. We wouldn’t feel much guilt if sin wasn’t all that bad of a thing. But it is, and when we fall into it we feel it. It’s as simple as that. Guilt is our alarm clock that we’ve gone astray and have something to address in our lives. It tells us “you did wrong” but unlike shame it stops there. Guilt, as surprising as it might be at times, helps us get back on the right track and tells us exactly where we need to be doing better. Always, of course, with God’s help. Guilt may hurt, but unlike shame, it’s got your best interests at heart.
2// Guilt calls us to take ownership. Shame tells us to run and hide
If you want to know the difference between shame and guilt really quick, just look at the first move in their playbooks. Shame always, and I mean always, tells you to run and hide. From the Garden when Adam and Eve hid from God after eating the apple to whatever might plague you in your own life, shame’s first command is always to run and hide.
That’s because shame panics and doesn’t know what else to do. So like a kid shoving things in their closet when they forgot to clean their room, shame will always seek to hide the problem (and you for that matter) away from sight and in the dark. And sitting there in the dark (certainly not hidden from God who always knows exactly what’s going on) shame will start its work of saying all those nasty things about you. Thanks, shame.
Guilt has a different play. Where shame says “hide” guilt says “own it”. Despite the nastiness of what shame has to say, I genuinely think overcoming guilt is actually the more intense work. Mainly because our biggest contribution is standing in the open, in all that we’ve done, admitting our wrongdoing, and owning that we can’t fix that ourselves. God is the only one who can fix the situation. And because he gave us free will he will not force himself into our mess unless we first invite him in. We have to do that part. We’re the one’s that have to admit whatever it is we’ve done wrong, that we can’t make it better on our own, and that we need God’s forgiveness. It takes a great deal of humility to own guilt and it’s not a sprint. It’s a marathon.
And the spotlight on our guilt usually means there a other people around us who now bear witness to the wrong in our life. There are people to go to, people to seek forgiveness from, people to make amends with. People to seek accountability from. It’s exhausting. But unlike the exhaustion of hiding, this work will actually yield results. God can make something new in you as you surrender for forgiveness, but that doesn’t happen hiding in the dark. Guilt’s playbook actually moves the ball down the field. We want that good work in our lives.
3// Guilt comes with steps to fix the situation. Shame tells you nothing can be fixed.
Finally, where do these two feelings tell us where to go? Much like the “hide in the dark” plan, shame’s solution here isn’t exactly great. Shame opens with an absurdly simple “well, that’s that.” And only gets worse from there. In the same way it embraces total despair in telling you you’re the thing that’s wrong, shame would have you believe that now that you’re wrong and terrible nothing can ever be fixed again. This is just how it’s going to be from now on. Get used to this, because you’ll be feeling this way for a long time.
Guilt is much more productive. In fact, one of the best ways to test the words coming at you for God’s truth is to simply look for if they show a way out of the mess. God always provides a way back out of a mess. He never abandons us to our sin, wrongdoings, and temptations. As Paul puts it. “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)
Jesus doesn’t leave the ninety-nine to find the one lost sheep just so he can tell it it sucks and isn’t worth saving. He goes after it because he loves it and he wants it back. If Jesus is calling you out of guilt, there will always be exactly that: a way out.
So at the end of the day, and despite how much the world tries to lump them together, shame and guilt really couldn’t be anymore different. One has you hiding in the dark, believing you’re broken beyond repair and can’t hope for anything better. The other would have you earnestly own the wrongs you have committed and walk with God in the daylight to heal the hurts and set out once more. One leads to pain, one can lead to hope.
And for the guilt that’s beyond what we can atone? Jesus took care of that too. Shame can get lost. It has no power where Jesus walks and he is walking with you.
Let’s find some joy,
A
Avalon Robinson Author 